FADE IN:

EXT. WASHINGTON

KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON.

KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.)

Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephenie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn’t be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.

BILLY BURKE

Hey honey. I’m super lame. I got you a car, but it’s totally uncool because I’m totally uncool.

KRISTEN STEWART

Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I’ll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.

KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.

FADE IN:

EXT. THE STREETS OF NORTHERN ITALY

DANIEL CRAIG speeds along the road with JESPER CHRISTENSEN in the trunk while being chased by SOMEONE OR ANOTHER. The cameraman has an EPILEPTIC SEIZURE, but is told to continue filming.

DANIEL CRAIG

As soon as I evade these random, nameless pursuers, I can have Judi Dench interrogate you!

JESPER CHRISTENSEN

Great, I have some questions for her, too. For example, why is she the only person willing to be in every single one of these dumbass movies?

DANIEL evades the WHOEVERS and the opening credits sequence starts.

ALICIA KEYS AND JACK WHITE

A plot wide open,

An overuse of grime,

A villain with water,

A franchise past its prime!

A film soon on cable,

Made just to make a dime!

A movie that you think that you can trust,

is just,

another waste of tiiiime!

FADE IN:

INT. WHITE HOUSE - WASHINGTON, D.C. - 2002

JOSH BROLIN, RICHARD DREYFUSS, TOBY JONES, JEFFREY WRIGHT, THANDIE NEWTON, SCOTT GLEN, BRUCE MCGILL, and DENNIS BOUTSIKARIS meet together to discuss various matters of national concern.

JOSH BROLIN

Alright, we need to reachify some kind of agreementation here. What, exactly, should we orderate for lunch?

TOBY JONES

Mr. President, As your trusted advisor Karl Rove, I have to recommend sandwiches. They have a more American quality than Chinese food, which should give you a 2.5% boost in the polls.

BRUCE MCGILL

Jesus Christ, you’re playing Karl Rove? I know he’s an unfortunate-looking man and all, but he’s not Sloth from “Goonies” either.

FADE IN:

EXT. GREECE

AMANDA SEYFRIED is mailing letters while shrouded in SPARKLY MYSTERY.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

(singing)

I have a dream, that I’ll be the only person in this movie with any singing ability at all, thereby making me seem completely out of place.

QUICK CUT TO:

EXTS. STOCKHOLM, LONDON, NEW YORK

STELLAN SKARSGARD, COLIN FIRTH and PIERCE BROSNAN get ready to go places while the opening bars of “Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)” play louder than is necessary. Michael Bay writes down the sound mixer’s phone number.

INT. MAMMA MIA TITLE CARD

Glitter explodes, the audience is blinded.

FADE IN:

INT. JON AVNET’S OFFICE

AL PACINO walks into the office of PROFESSIONAL PRODUCER (AND OCCASIONAL DIRECTOR WHEN NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO DIRECT ONE OF HIS MOVIES) JON AVNET.

AL PACINO

Jon! I enjoyed working with you so much on the universally despised box-office bomb ‘88 Minutes’ that I’ve decided to bring you a brilliant idea I had!

JON AVNET

Great, what do you have in mind?

AL PACINO

Robert De Niro and I are two of the most highly regarded actors alive today, yet we’ve only been in two movies together and only shared about 7 minutes of screen time. Let’s make a movie starring the two of us where we work together for the entire movie! It’ll blow ‘Heat’ right out of the water!

JON AVNET

That’s a great idea! I’ll get my best people to work immediately on finding the perfect script that will do justice to this momentous cinematic event!

AL PACINO

(retrieving a bundle of paper from the wastebasket)

What’s this?

JON AVNET

That? Oh, that’s some piece of shit script named ‘Righteous Kill’ that someone just sent me. It’s about two cops chasing a serial killer. It’s so cliche I couldn’t even get through the whole thing before tossing it.

AL PACINO

Two cops, eh? Sounds great, let’s start shooting tomorrow. Let’s start early so I can make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

FADE IN:

INT. DAVID DUCHOVNY’S SECRET HIDEOUT

The ominous X-Files whistle plays, six years after the events of the series finale; former FBI agent GILLIAN ANDERSON now works at a Catholic hospital, and treats a boy with a terminal brain condition. DAVID DUCHOVNY has a beard and cuts newspaper clippings all day.

GILLIAN ANDERSON

David I have been sent by the FBI, they need your help.

The camera slowly reveals the feet, legs, and then the shoulders of this mysterious man no one could have ever guessed would be sitting there.

BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY

Eh, What’s Up, Doc?

GILLIAN ANDERSON

They are trying to solve a mystery involving people being kidnapped.

(pause)

so this doesn’t involve aliens… at all.

BEARDED DAVID DUCHOVNY

Well it would only make sense to go back to the TV shows mythology, such as the alien invasion and colonization of Earth foretold in the series, but who wants that?

GILLIAN ANDERSON

Everyone. But since I haven’t worked since 1998 I figure what the fuck.

FADE IN:

INT. TRAILER HOME

A young boy painted RED to look like a DEMON is begging for a bedtime story. He is incredibly ANNOYING and overly CHEERFUL. The audience wishes they had a FAST FORWARD button.

YOUNG HELLBOY

Please tell me a story that I won’t remember any detail of when it actually comes true in the future!

JOHN HURT

How you can speak clear English through those giant saucer teeth is beyond me.

(pause)

Okay, I’ll tell you a story, but only because the audience needs to hear it.

The Professor tells a story about the origin of the GOLDEN ARMY and the scene is illustrated by CG wooden toys. It is so visually creative that the audience is LED TO BELIEVE the rest of the movie will be this NEW and EXCITING…

FADE IN:

INT. BANK - GHICAGO

A GANG of CLOWNS breaks into a bank. The AUDIENCE impatiently tolerates the scene, despite having already watched it in front of I Am Legend as well as thirty times when it leaked ONLINE.

RANDOM CLOWN #1

Robbing this bank was a great idea. Anyone know why they call the guy that planned it ‘The Joker’?

RANDOM CLOWN #2

I hear he wears clown makeup to scare people.

RANDOM CLOWN #1

What? How does that answer the question at all? I asked why they call him ‘The Joker’, not why they call him ‘The Clown’. Nuts to this, has the real movie started yet?

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE

The movie begins. Instead of the traditional ‘STAR WARS’ logo disappearing into the distance, we see a modernized ‘CLONE WARS’ logo.

AUDIENCE

What …

Instead of the classic Star Wars theme, we hear a remix of the theme.

AUDIENCE

… The …

Instead of an opening text crawl, we are treated to a cheesy NARRATOR that sounds like the guy doing the propaganda ads for STARSHIP TROOPERS talking over overly stylized ANIMATION.

AUDIENCE

… Fuck?!?

JABBA THE HUTT’S UNCLE is an offensive homosexual stereotype.

AUDIENCE

FUCK THE SHIT RIGHT OUT OF THIS.

The AUDIENCE leaves to go watch THE DARK KNIGHT again.

END